Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
You Might Also Like
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!