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I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I already tried new things thanks.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.