@AintNoFamily: Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.
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@HatfieldAnne: Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely. I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
@matt___nelson: JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t- PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
@HollyHeals: Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
@AngrEdmontonian: Apparently, "Step up your game" isn't the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.