@sadmonsters: Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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@EvilSchwartzie: The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you're pretty sure it's a girl squirrel.
@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@Dis0beyJay: [ First Date ] Her: So you're a MMA fighter? * flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom's * Me: Yea, I'm still training