Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”