@rickolantern: Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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@PaperWash: Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
@matt___nelson: 911: what's your emerg- ME: I'VE BEEN SHOT 911: ...why would you interrupt me like that?
@emceej: Don't forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.