Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.