Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked