Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.