Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
getting groceries
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
meanwhile over on facebook