Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much