Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT鈥 ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they鈥檙e going to split
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I鈥檝e never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
it鈥檚 so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Why can鈥檛 I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he鈥檚 given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 馃憡
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
10-year old son: How鈥檚 it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I hope you don鈥檛 feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.