@mudpaperscissor: Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
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@dinnersruined: *hands you a marijuana* "This one's called Air Bud. It'll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever."
@Ditchful: adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
@merican_ninjy: Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."
@LinajkReturns: You have beautiful eyes. Too bad they're attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.