Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
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Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆