Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.