Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT