Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
being a writer on Twitter:
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.