Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.