Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
You Might Also Like
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Chicken bread
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.