@WhaJoTalkinBout: Why is it called her "time of the month" and not "trouble in paradise?"
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@ieatanddrink: If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
@HatesNiceThings: If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
@spitfirehussy: You've been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.
@bonehugsnirony: [at job interview at NASA] NASA: sir, you're underqualified for this position. Me: have you seen our president? NASA: give him a spaceship