Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
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My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.