Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
who will stop them
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
LA today:
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily