@TravLeBlanc: Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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@WilliamAder: Me: This "Fear the Walking Dead" show is really creepy. Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
@theDanLawler: Roses are red, except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
@ClichedOut: HOW TO BE A LAWYER: Witness: I saw your client do it. Me: Allegedly. W: No, I did. M: Allegedly. Judge: That's argumentative. M: Allegedly.