@TravLeBlanc: Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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@dafloydsta: [date] HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about? ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
@caliluvgirl77: Grabs intercom: ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
@aksorojas: "You can't get married," the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Me: We broke up. Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?