@TravLeBlanc: Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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@JohnsonDiaz21: In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
@freypalm: Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G. Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
@robdelaney: My niece just said "Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!" Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
@Spaziotwat: [The Second Coming] Jesus:"People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God's love an-" Voice from the crowd:"DO THE WINE TRICK"