Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
uh oh
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.