Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Made something I’m not proud of
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE