@Andrea__B__: Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
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@jergarl: *goes to bank Me: Hi, I need a loan. Banker: How much and what for? Me: Seventy three thousand. I'm making guacamole for the super bowl.
@LuckoftheDraw86: Me: hey what's this weird lump? WebMD: could be cancer. Me: it's a raisin stuck to my elbow... WebMD: you have two weeks.
@dog_feelings: the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve