@Andrea__B__: Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
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@kwirkyKerri: Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.
@vineyille: [screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU'RE NOT "FIGHTING" THE FIRE YOU'RE WATERING IT
@TheMichaelRock: Wife: I'll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I'll be giving her half of my food.