[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.