@foxnerdrn: Why is it that when your dog brings you things he's killed it's cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?
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@HatfieldAnne: When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
@tastefactory: INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
@eminmien: "There's nothing wrong with being single." No. "I've got plenty of time." Sure. "I'm not lonely." Sir, are you going to buy anything?