Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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*limbos under the caution tape
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.