@foxnerdrn: Why is it that when your dog brings you things he's killed it's cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?
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@13spencer: New Neighbor: Hi, I'm Derek; I moved in downstairs. Me: I'm Spencer; I'll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
@YUCKYBOT: Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I'm making a pros and cons list.
@crunchenhancer: My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".