Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”