Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Terribly Tuesday.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move