Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Oh my god
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
went fishing caught a bass
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Big Sex has us all fooled
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.