Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
What my back needs
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together