Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
fly smarter, not harder
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit