Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
A little too much information.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
reduce, reuse, recycle