Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.