Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I know
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep