VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*