Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.