Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
You Might Also Like
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If only
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I am patiently waiting for your email
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.