Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
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[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
They must have gotten it to go.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there