Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You Might Also Like
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
When he asks for feet pics
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.