Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
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Choose your fighter
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.