i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud