I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”