The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.