Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
You Might Also Like
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.