I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
felt cute might bury dad later idk
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters