Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.