@omgthatspunny: Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
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@trojansauce: [watching lion king] TIMON: hakuna matata ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries TIMON: it means no worries ME: see?
@peteholmes: "Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression
@thegreatnanak: I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.