@omgthatspunny: Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
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@FavoritesYou: Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn't have a pen so I used my key.
@Playing4Second: CW: Have you had 5 guys? Me: *blank stare* That's kinda personal don't ya think? And that's when I found out it's the name of a burger joint
@Eagle_Vision: My wife is gorgeous, selfless, amazing, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
@SirEviscerate: GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy? ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won't move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE