I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb