Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Have kids, they said
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt