Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
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“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
A friend sent me this.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.