ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament