Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room