@RedemptionAJ: Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I'm trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?
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@thetigersez: My brother's girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana's ashes, this is the best night of my life
@RealGorillaNips: Officer: Do you know you have a blinker out? Me: Yes, officer. Officer: When did you plan on getting that fixed? Me: 2005
@lmwortho: I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.